How To Recognize Family Behavior Patterns That Are Destructive!

how to make a good family

Dr. Purushothaman
October 7, 2013

Our family behavior patterns dictate how we deal with life. They determine our opinions and our beliefs and hence our decisions. This is called our context. These family patterns of behavior are at the route of our self-esteem. Family behavior patterns are passed down through generations. What worked back then may not work today. Some of our family behavior patterns can be out right destructive. What we believe about life, and our presence in this life effects how we feel about ourselves.

All of our relationships are completely affected by our context about life. This includes our relationships outside of our families. How we attract people into our lives is the result of our context.

We are attracted to people in our lives because those people demonstrate the same family behavior patterns as our early caregivers or they fill a void in our life left from our childhood. We recognize each other on an unconscious level. Have you ever said or heard someone say that they married their mother or father? Not literally, but we often marry someone who has the same beliefs and behaviors that we are used to. No matter how dysfunctional it may be, we don't notice it, because we think it is normal. We haven't experienced anything different.

If it is behavior that is not effective, it may become a real problem at some time in the future. And when it does, we will leave that relationship and move on. If we don't become aware of why the relationship failed and admit to our part in it, we will repeat it again with a different person.

I believe that mental illness can be avoided if we look at ourselves and examine our lives. That is not always easy. We create fantasies to protect us from things that we don't like and don't want to face. This puts up a big wall between what is real and what is not.

How hard it seems to be for us to ask ourselves the question: what works in my life and what doesn't? Do I have the life that I want? Am I happy and fulfilled? What am I afraid of?

Within our family is where we learn, grow and evolve.
Let's not, under any circumstances get the idea that our family behavior patterns are wrong or bad. We learned them fair and square. Even if they don't work so well, they were given to us and we have a right to them. But we also have the right and the choice to change them.

What do we learn about life if we have no challenges and conflicts? I have a friend that says that if he lived alone, he wouldn't know that he was in a bad mood. We need each other to bounce off. Communication is one of the most important skills that we can acquire. So we need to communicate.

What we need to do, though, is recognize our own needs and honor them within our relationships. When we stop being afraid to tell the truth and to stand up for ourselves, we will learn to deal with conflict at its' source and open up a world of truth, and of freedom from fantasies and untruths with each other.
Did you know that it is not your responsibility to make sure that things work well for the people around you? It is your responsibility to be the best person you can be and to hold the people in your life able to deal with their own reactions to what happens to them. We are robbing people of the ability to develop valuable learning skills if we take their coping abilities away from them. And in turn, we make ourselves crazy!

( This does not mean, of course, that we allow abuse to children who are incapable of defending themselves. This is a whole other story) Take care of the children and teach them that they are valuable, so they will have the tools to take care of themselves.

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