How To Identify Problems in Your Relationship

Dr. Purushothaman
January 22, 2014


While most of us would like to think that our failed relationships were caused by someone else, that isn't necessarily the case. Taking the initiative to consider what you might have done to contribute to the downfall is a great first step towards actually repairing a relationship. Blame doesn't really help fix a relationship, but taking responsibility for your actions does.
Are you always right?
One of the biggest problems in a problem relationship is the idea that one person is right and the other is wrong. Are you the one that always insists that you are right? If so, you might be harming your relationship more than helping it. By trying to create a right and a wrong party, you are increasing the split in your relationship and probably causing more animosity from your partner.
The next time you want to point out that you are right about something in an argument or a discussion, stop and count to ten to yourself. This will slow down your brain and take the focus off the moment at hand. In most cases, you will see that saying that you were right probably isn't going to add to the situation. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you?
Are you unable to let go of the past?
Many women have a terrific memory that can retain old incidents for long periods of time. However, when you constantly bring up old arguments and issues, you aren't really solving the problem that you are having in the present. You are distracting the discussion from the real issue and hindering any progress.
When you feel that you want to bring up something from the past, preface what you are saying with, "I'm not sure if this is relevant or not, but let me say this aloud." This will show how you are thinking about things, but will also admit that you might not be on the correct thought process. After saying what you want to say, then you can say aloud that it's really not relevant, so it's not something that needs discussion.
Are you loud when you want to prove your point?
Being louder doesn't necessarily make you right. When you raise your voice, you tend to forget about the words that you are trying to relate or your partner and your partner may just decide to not listen. Whatever you say might be dismissed as too emotional, rather than anything that might help the argument or discussion at hand.
There are several things that you can do when you start to feel your volume rise. Many couples like to give each other signals when this is starting to happen, while others find that stopping and breathing a few deep breaths can stop the increased yelling. You can also leave the room for a moment to collect yourself and then try to lower your voice when you return.
Do you accuse them of not doing things right?
It's really easy to turn every wrongdoing into someone else's fault when you're upset or hurt. However, when you begin to blame your partner for everything that is wrong, you are not taking responsibility for your own role in the argument or issue. Accusing someone when you're upset is usually an accusation without merit.
It's best to take your focus off of the person that you are talking with and place it more on the issue at hand. When you start to look at arguments in black and white instead of emotional terms, you will be able to find solutions that don't hurt each other in the process.
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