To be related means not to be dependent on each other, not to escape from loneliness through another, not to try to find comfort, companionship, through another. Krishnamurti.
Relationship begins within. Individual skills create relationship; not destiny, not by finding the right person, the soul mate and not by having the right dependence, contract or religious blessing.
To create a loving relationship, we must first know how to give to the essential needs of the energy living us. We have more intimacy, more control and a greater capacity to learn from the life within ourselves, so insight begins there. Once we understand how to care for the life within us, we can share our skills with others.
We live within a family and a community. Those relationships invite the belief that others cause our happiness, but we are the source. From this perspective, we can learn how to give to life what it needs to thrive. If you are not sure what your skills are, look at what your parents created. Without consciously training in new skills, we take on the skills we could see our parents modeling. We miss their unseen skills. Studying and knowing doesn’t help. No matter how much you know, you cannot do until you train in doing.
To learn relationship, we need 4 basic focuses – Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests. We need to train in the use of theses rare skills. They allow us to harmonize within ourselves, and self harmony enables us to harmonize with others.
OBSERVATION: All insight begins with Observation – the ability to perceive the nature of what is without interpretation, judgment, opinion, beliefs, and cultural values influencing and obstructing understanding.
FEELINGS AND NEEDS: If we can perceive clearly, we can feel, hear and see our feelings – the emotional energy driving the moments actions, and we can track feelings to their source in essential human needs – the resources life requires to thrive. Hearing needs speaking through the feelings our bodies communicate with gives us the information essential to caring for life.
REQUESTS: By sharing the information within feelings and needs, we can make decisions together through requests – which give equal respect for each others right to choose by asking for the resources that fulfill needs.
These four essential skills combine into complex skills – self connection, empathy, honesty and collaboration in joint decision making that is mutually supportive. Together they create relationships in which trust and cooperation allow merging into one coordinated whole. Fulfilling relationships give mutual assistance and support in fulfilling all life needs. Without these skills only marginal relationships can form and fall apart as the partners feel their limitations and frustrations.
About the Author
Peace-Making Mediation – Family Lawyer Portland, resolves all marriage and family conflicts without warfare through Relationship Transformation, through Separation and Divorce Mediation.