Don’t Be Shy With Assertiveness
As an outpatient psychologist with a well established private
practice, clients often ask me, “How do I become assertive?”
The short answer is “speak up.” The convincing answer is we
first have to get the picture what assertiveness is and what it is not.
Let me attend to the last part first.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not yelling, name
calling or doing anything physically violent. It is not about
getting in someone’s space or place if they do not invite us.
It is not about other’s property.
Neither is assertiveness about being passive. That involves
not saying or doing things in an indirect way, but still having an
underhanded intent. Such statements blur messages on purpose;
confusing the recipient into thinking the intent is something it
is not. Manipulating falls into this category.
Being non-assertive is different from being passive. The difference is
that choosing to not speak up is very up front, conscious and has no
ulterior motives. It is not manipulation, just the choice to not
respond. Sometimes this is the better choice, like when our boss is mad at
us, yet we would
like to have a promotion Or, how about when the mortgage company says they
are foreclosing… Not speaking
at that time is judicious, and choosing to not assert our point of
view is wise.
Assertiveness is about speaking up in a exact way, stating
what you want and using “I” statements. “I would like to have that cake” is
an assertive statement. “That cake would sure look
nice on my plate” is a semi-assertive statement. “My, how good
that cake looks” is not an assertive statement. “That cake would
make me feel better about you” is a manipulative statement.
Saying nothing about cake because we do not want any is choosing
to just not be assertive.
Assertiveness involves five steps. In my ebook on this, I explain
them in detail and how they flow from one to the
other, each needing to be completed before the next. For this
article, here’s a quick summary. Step One is asking yourself what
are you thinking or feeling. Step Two is about validating that
your thoughts and/or feelings are valid and important. Step Three
is thinking and planning how we might express ourselves, assuming
we get through Step Two and actually think what we have to say is
important enough to say or do something about. Step Four is
actually executing the plan; that is, doing what we fantasized in
Step Three. Step Five is feedback. How did it go? If we
achieved some satisfaction, we are done with that thought. If not,
it is back to Step One.
This may seem a little summary like, but each of us goes through at
least the first two steps with every thought and/or feeling. Those
thoughts and/or feelings that are significant; that is, rise to some
higher level in our awareness, are considered more and are more
likely to motivate us to consider doing something about. This is
Step Three, which once employed, usually carries us through to
completion (Step Five). This process is automatic and very, very
fast. It is usually unconscious; that is, out of everyday
awareness, automatic and usually psychologically reflexive
(patterned, rehearsed responses that we chalk up as mental habits).
Pushing yourself to be assertive is about realizing the steps that are
involved and how we each follow them. If we do so without thinking,
then assertiveness is hit or miss, depending upon our early training.
We inherit most of these thought patterns from our parents, which
could be good or bad. The key to becoming assertive is to become
aware of the above and practice it a few times. Usually people
see the benefit and are motivated to continue.
There is always a contingent of folks who dispute and claim
being assertive is a bad thing. It generates conflict, and therefore does
is a waste of time, etc. In my ebook, I address a very long list
of reasons people create why we should not be assertive. Some of
them are quite creative, but all of them lack basis. I explain all
of this is seriousness and detail. In my view, assertiveness is a very
clear-cut skill and is one of the easiest to acquire. Once practiced,
assertiveness spreads out in the psyche and positively influences
more experiences than the reader can imagine, starting with decreasing
anxiety and depression and increasing self-esteem.
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